This has been a remarkable month for me. After the last series of oils, I now feel this most unbelievable sense of well being and joy. At the same time, things could not be more challenging. Everything is wonky. Nothing seems to be flowing with ease. It's one crisis after another. How come I feel so happy and full of joy and at the same time so miserable, scared, and troubled?
I asked myself, "What am I missing?"
I reviewed my actions, reflected on my beliefs, sought out guidance. Things would seem to get better and then wham a whole new set of issues and problems would be sitting at my door. Now what?
A friend said that I needed to let go of the things that were going wrong. My suffering was coming from attempting to stay in two worlds. I had to choose. My friend told me that it was because I remained attached or I had two feet in both worlds. I needed to up anchor and leave it all. I was just not spiritually strong enough to do it, and I was the one behind all my misery. I just needed to let go. Let it ALL go!
Let go and move into freedom. How nice to not have all the responsibilities and do whatever I like. Yet, I was not letting go. I like my garden, Gritman, our learning school, and all the products that we make here. I am staying.
Then it happened. Our web developer, that we paid to migrate our old website to a new stable site, turned on our new website before it was ready, and left the country. This is a nightmare. I thought my friend was right. Since I cannot give it up, IT is going to give me up or be taken away.
That night I woke up in a cold sweat. I was angry, scared, and crying. Lou woke up with all the noise I was making and he gave me the space to talk. While I was talking, I realized that it was not about giving up or letting go, but changing my relationship to what was causing problems. I decided not to speak to the developer, but work the problem. He had given us a few days to come up with the money. We had a few days to see what we could do.
It is unbelievably hard to prove you are the owner when your name, contact info, and your history has been erased. None of which helps your situation. We did manage to make most of the changes. We were unable to get the learning center changed. When we did not give him the money, we lost the learning center.
THE OLD ATTACKS WHILE THE NEW STABALIZES
Here is the good news: Lou is recreating it. Lou had all the classes backed up. We stood in two worlds one was raging and one was stable. We stayed cool and fixed things. We never once engaged in rage or punishment, we needed every minute to work the problem.
LETTING GO EMOTIONALLY EQUALS CHANGING PHYSICAL ACTION
I had made the mistake of thinking that Angea was going to require that you leave, let go, estrange yourself from certain people, things and/or events. Yes, that might happen, but Angea for me is about living a softer, more beautiful, love filled life. My relationship to my problems needed to change to a softer, more beautiful and loving experience. The world can be running a muck around me, but I do not have too. I can still smell the flowers as we traverse the difficulties. You can keep both feet in two worlds.
OLD IS NOT THE PLACE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS AND PROSPERITY IT IS THE NEW THAT HOLDS YOUR JOY AND WEALTH
Now I am spending more time in the garden. Olivia has come back to Gritman with Henry, her month old son. I find myself rocking the baby and looking out the window into a forest with birds singing, squirrels running through the trees, and there goes a swallowtail butterfly. The fire flys are coming out at night. I am taking the time to enjoy them and the world is becoming a softer, more beautiful and loving experience. There is no place I would rather be.
The problems are still there. We will work through them. That raccoon in the attic that was sleeping right next to me has gone. As soon as I realized and came to terms with why she was there, she left. The world is like that. It is softer, more beautiful and loving if you let it.